We don’t have many models for navigating strong emotions in a more balanced way. Many of us are conditioned toward extremes. When it comes to feeling painful emotions like anger, we may get lost in them, such that they become toxic and seemingly inescapable…We don’t have many models for feeling strong emotions in a more balanced way…Equanimity is what frees us from these dynamics…Equanimity is the state in which we can recognize an emotion like anger—and even feel its full intensity—but also pay attention to choosing how we will respond to a given feeling, thought, or circumstance…We can choose not to make an enemy of our feelings, as intense as they may be…That freedom is the essence of equanimity.~Sharon Salzburg
I am taking a wonderful short course from Sharon Salzburg on this topic of Equanimity. I found there were a lot of articles appearing online and in Buddhist journals about the topic, and I saw myself having difficulty grasping even the definition of the word, so I thought, it must be time to dive a little deeper into the subject. I have the opportunity to observe myself and why Equanimity was/is hard for me to grasp in my head.
This to me is like working the steps in my sobriety. When I approach an issue that is close to my heart, and my sponsor is trying to talk to me about it, my initial response may be denial. I may say to her, “No I don’t think that applies to me.” Usually her response will be a wry smile, “Oh really?” I will walk away from the situation, sure that I am right. Hours, maybe days later, awareness will creep into my consciousness. My vulnerability would not let me look at the moment. So I denied, not having any consciousness of what my sponsor was trying to get me to see.
Later, in the safety and privacy of my home, her words come back to me, and the thoughts of what she said become conscious. NOW, I can see what she was trying to say. Luckily, I have built trust with her over the years, and sheepishly, I call her and admit, I was just not ready to see what she was saying. We laugh about it, because, how many times has my defensiveness, my ego, kept me from seeing? Then we move on to talk.
In this course, I am learning the value of self-observation in developing equanimity. I can see how our/my defensiveness leads us to extremes, to running or to jumping. It certainly does not lead to peace. Equanimity is a quality of learning to stand still with myself, and with others.
It reminds me of the marshall artist who is trained to fight but is not fighting, but simply slipping out of the way of danger. The opponent is coming at them, but each time they make a kick or a punch, the sensei simply ducks or steps aside, never losing their balance, moving with grace and quiet sensitivity, like a ballet dancer. There is fluidity, beauty, like silk flowing. The art of self-defense is avoiding going to war.
In my best days, I say to people that I can feel that I am in the flow of life. I have a sense of the energy in the world, and I am gliding with it. It truly is a kinetic thing.
When I am trying to teach this to someone, I tell them, “My parking space is always waiting for me.” It always is — right where I need it to be. I suggest that they try it. Believe in it and it will happen. I suggest that you try it too. Then tell me about it.
I say this because there is a parallel between this, taking suggestions from a person who has more experience in a spiritual path, the marshall artist’s way and equanimity. All depend on becoming still inside. All depend on believing in something you can’t see, observing one’s self, and reflecting on those observations and what can be learned from them.
We can’t change circumstances outside ourselves.
We can change our reactions to those circumstances. We can change our behaviors.
We can make decisions on how we want to behave and what we feel are right actions.
Today I choose to respond with kindness, responsibility and love toward others and myself.
How about you?
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The paradox is that equanimity has great power. This is the balance that I seek.