On Missing One

11 May 2024 Daily Meditation

Photo by Lute on Unsplash

Yesterday, in the midst of several stressful events, I found myself totally overcome with emotion. I snapped at my daughter, something I rarely do. I cried. My cup was truly running over. Frankly, it still is.

What is going on, I ask myself in my morning contemplation?

Overwhelm, came the answer, immediately. Of course, but about what?

I sit, breathing through the immensity of what was welling up inside of me. Tears come up behind my eyes. Huge walls of emotion well inside of my chest. I can barely breathe. At times like this, my temptation is to stop breathing, to hold back as the intensity is so great. Breathe, I tell myself. Inhale…break the dam. Exhale…release the blockage.

My little dog climbs onto my lap, licking my hand. Sensing my sadness, my well of lonliness, she tries her best to comfort me. This helps me to identify a bit more of what was going on inside, and to breathe more evenly.

All week I have been approaching Mother’s Day. Although I try to stay in the emotions of this moment, I carry baggage from past years. Some of it goes all the way back to my childhood, some of it to the childhood of my children. How I wish I were better at staying in this moment.

Breathing in, I wash away the pent up memories that live in my body. Breathing out I release the memories like a stream flowing…

As I release the past, I realize that even in today there are stressors that cling to my body, things happening that I have no control over that mimic losses from my past. I can’t control what is going on, even in this moment, to friends and family near and far.

I recall something I just read about keeping an “I don’t mind” attitude towards life and it makes me smile. The idea of equanimity towards all of life is something the frequently escapes me but something I would like to strive for. I am someone who tends to cling to the desire for happiness.

With Mother’s Day, I am clinging to the desire to have things go a certain way. My desire has often led to my unhappiness, as things rarely unfold the way I wish they would. This year, this has already happened, as one of my children informed me that she is sick and will be unable to come for a planned dinner.

Sigh…

All we have is this moment. In fact I am grateful for all the accumulations of happy moments and amazing memories that I have been priviliged to have. As I release the wall of grief, lonliness and overwhelm through my breathing, I find these memories hidden behind the wall.

All is well, in this moment.