Right speech is not about making people smile or feel good about themselves. Nor is it about avoiding uncomfortable feelings or difficult conversations. It’s about the authenticity that arises out of nonduality. ~Sensei Dhara Kowal, “What Is Right Speech?”
“Right speech” is one of the eight practices of the Noble Eightfold Path, which the Buddha spoke of in his first lesson to people. In this meaning, right is not being compared to wrong, but rather means doing one’s best. The other paths are right view, right intention, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration and they are expressed as a way to end suffering and live in harmony with all creation.
I love this concept, and I connect it to the idea of living authentically. I came to it after an experience I had one New Year’s many years ago, where it suddenly occurred to me that resolutions were useless, because the real issue was that one had to live in a way that one’s insides (values) matched one’s outsides (actions). That year, I laid down resolutions and vowed to myself to live in this way — little did I know this would be the hardest thing I had ever done.
I was only about three years sober then…I am over forty-four years in recovery now. It has become a life-long pursuit, one that I will never accomplish. It brought me to my mindfulness practice, to learn about the Buddha, to follow Thich Nhat Hanh and others. It showed me the value of simplicity, forgiveness, grace, how all religions have the same basic principles, so very many spiritual lessons that I could never state them in one column. It helped me to connect more honestly with others, to speak more directly. Mostly, it brought me to know and love myself just as I am.
It helped me to drop perfectionism. To gain acceptance. To love my neighbor as myself, for we are not different at all. Now I see that the things that I have the most difficulty with in you are really just the things I struggle with in myself. You are my mirror.
Unfortunately, it is, I believe, in human nature to wear a mask and to fear what will happen when we take off that mask. We fear vulnerability and being hurt. So it is that the very thing that we need most, connection and presence with each other, we hide from.
So really, I should begin by asking the question another way: How real are you being?
And then another question, What keeps you from being real?
Today you might give yourself time to take a few breaths, to sit for a few moments with me. You have the privacy of wherever you are, so indulge me. Relax. Breathe in through your nose, and hold the breath for a few seconds before you release it. Then all at once, let that breath out through your mouth, so that your body can just relax.
Try that one more time, paying attention when you release the breath to allowing your shoulders, your back, your belly and any other tense places in your body to release with the breath. After one more breath, we are just going to take a few moments, to watch thoughts going by, as though they were clouds in the sky, or leaves floating down a stream.
Don’t hang on to those thoughts, just ask, “How Real am I being with myself?”
And then watch as the thoughts float by for the next couple minutes, just noting the pictures or thoughts, or ideas that come to the surface…
Then releasing them, letting new ones float up, release, notice, release! For just a few more moments entertaining this question of how real I am being with myself, then we will move on….
Now, gently, pondering, curious: What could be keeping me from being real with myself? And continuing to breathe slowly and easily, just as slowly as clouds move in the sky, and allowing the thoughts to come just as easily…or as quickly… however they come. We just note the thoughts, trying not to hang on to them, just watching them, then saying thank you, and releasing that thought so the next can come. What is keeping me from being real? Anything? And watching, listening, looking, feeling, just curious… like being in a movie or watching the tv… detached, watching the show as I breathe and feel my breathe going in and out, in and out….
And slowly coming back to this page, I take note of what stands out to me. Are there here sensations that rise to the top? Things that have feelings attached to them? Things that seem more curious than others? Things that flew away or things that are more noticeable?
You may want to take a journal or piece of paper and write a bit. If something is notable, if it keeps me from being real with me, does it separate me from others as well? And if so, might it be something I would change? Or not? If not, why not?
I have learned a lot about me, about my inner and outer self, simply by sitting and watching these clouds go by. Some things changed quickly. Some things I have kept. Some things I just needed to learn to understand. It has brought me peace.
I wish you peace on your own journey. May you return if this is helpful.
Namaste.